I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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