Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the day after is always just damage control
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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