I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
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