so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize