What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
