I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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