nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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