mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
