I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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