I feel great
I just peed on a car
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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