You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize