dude i'm inner monologue high
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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