Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
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