Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
