Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
