Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My ass is underappreciated
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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