you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
