If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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