Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
