Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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