i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
