i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
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