We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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