i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
