I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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