I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Randomize
