Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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