This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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