are you still at the devil's house?
apparently the secret to your success is patron
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
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