Betty ford says i'm here all night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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