I cannot find my penis.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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