Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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