just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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