you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize