I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
