I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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