The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
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