i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
