I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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