Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Randomize
