I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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