Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We need to feng shui this bitch.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
