i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
they need to just BURY HIM!
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
