Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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