i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
