I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Randomize
