I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
