New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize