I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
