dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
