She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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