if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
