You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
