You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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