it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
