Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
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