Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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