Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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