Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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