You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
