you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
