A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
