Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Please, let me fuck your mom
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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