Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
