he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
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